INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Mira stands beside the laptop holding a wooden spoon as a pointer. She waits until both parents are sitting in the right chairs, then clicks.
Not there, Dad, that's the presenter's chair. There. Thank you. I've made slides. There are nine. Questions at the end, please, it's in the rules. Slide one is the rules.
Slide two. This is Gustav. He is a tortoise. He is sixty one years old, which is older than both of you put together if you... no. No, it isn't, I did that wrong, ignore the maths on slide two. He's older than Dad. That's the point of slide two.
Slide three, cost. Gustav eats lettuce. We already buy lettuce. Nobody in this family eats the lettuce. Mum, you buy one every Saturday and it goes liquid in the drawer. That's money in the bin. With Gustav, it's money in Gustav.
Slide four is him in a little hat. It's not information. It's so you like him.
Slide five. He will live another forty years. Maybe fifty. He will outlive both of you. That isn't a threat, it's a feature. When you're gone, I'll still have something that was yours. Well. That was Mrs Lindqvist's. You know what I mean.
Slide six is where it gets a bit urgent. Mrs Lindqvist moves into her daughter's flat on Saturday, and the flat has no garden, and she said if nobody takes him he has to go to 'a place'. She said 'a place' the way you said it about Grandad's car.
Seven and eight were going to break it to you gently. I'm skipping them. Slide nine. He's in the bath. Upstairs. Since Thursday. Nobody noticed, which says something about this family and baths. No water. Just lettuce. Your lettuce, Mum. I told you it wasn't wasted.
Don't go up yet, he's asleep. I'll hold the door. Go in quietly, and say hello to him like you've already said yes.