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Teen sitcom comedycomicfastsweet

Who Is the Goose

Four minutes before halftime, the school paper's most stubborn reporter walks in on the one person he has spent all year trying to unmask: the girl inside the school's goose mascot.

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Casting range
Ruby 13-16; Dev 13-16. Either role may be cast without regard to gender or ethnicity.
Duration
3 min
Difficulty
Intermediate
Relationship
Classmates; one secretly the school mascot, the other the reporter hunting her
Role balance
balanced
Setting
A cramped equipment room under the school stands during a home game. Nets, cones, and a giant foam goose head.
Scene heading
INT. SCHOOL STANDS - EQUIPMENT ROOM - DAY
Content notes
Mild embarrassment & Teasing at school is discussed
Language
English
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Scene work

What is playable here

Objective
Dev wants his front page; Ruby wants to stay the goose until the last day of school.
Obstacle
The rules say a goose who is found out has to hand the head in, and Dev has the photo.
Relationship
They have shared classes for years without really talking. The goose is the one place Ruby is brave.
Stakes
If Dev prints, Ruby loses the only part of school she loves, and the team plays without its goose for the first time in nineteen years.
Turn
Ruby lets slip that Dev never stepped on the goose feet at the winter dance, and Dev works out she chose to dance with him and then wrote the rule to cover it.

Playing age 13-16

Ruby

Wants: Get out onto the pitch in four minutes with her secret still safe.

Up against: She is caught half in costume by the one person who wants the secret most, and every lie she tries makes it worse.

Choice prompts

  • Ruby denies the obvious with total commitment. The comedy lives in how sure she sounds, not in winking at the audience.
  • Her slip about the feet is a real slip. Let her hear it a moment after Dev does.
  • Page one is the most honest thing Ruby has said all year. Decide whether she says it to the floor or straight at him.

Playing age 13-16

Dev

Wants: Get the photo, the front page, and a little revenge for the year of honking that followed his column.

Up against: The person in the goose is someone he likes, and the story is about to become about him.

Choice prompts

  • Dev thinks he is a serious investigative journalist. Play the red string with pride, not irony.
  • The winter dance still stings. Let it show once, then cover it with a joke.
  • When he deletes the photo, find the moment he sees a better story than the one on his phone.
Full script

Who Is the Goose

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INT. SCHOOL STANDS - EQUIPMENT ROOM - DAY

Ruby, wearing the feathery body and enormous orange feet of the school goose, is lifting the goose head when the door opens. Dev freezes in the doorway with his phone in his hand.

Dev

Ruby?

Ruby

No.

Dev

You are holding the goose head.

Ruby

I found it in the corridor. I am bringing it back to the goose.

Dev

You are wearing the goose.

Ruby

The bottom half. The bottom half of a goose could be anyone.

Dev

Your keys are hanging round its neck. With the little rubber cactus. Ruby, I have spent a whole school year trying to find out who is inside that goose. I have a wall in my bedroom. With photos. With string.

Ruby

Red string?

Dev

Obviously red string.

Ruby

That is not journalism, Dev. That is something your parents should know about.

Dev raises his phone. The flash goes off.

Dev

The last issue goes to print tonight. Front page. The Goose, Unmasked.

Ruby

Halftime is in four minutes. If there is no goose on that pitch, we lose. Nineteen years. Every single time.

Dev

That is a superstition.

Ruby

It is a statistic. You love statistics.

Dev

Why is a goose even a secret?

Ruby

Because if anyone finds out who the goose is, the goose hands the head in. Those are the rules. There is a binder.

Dev

There is a binder?

Ruby

It is very old, and it smells like feet. What do you want? I have half a cheese sandwich, and I know someone who can get you out of cross-country.

Dev

I want my front page. Do you remember what happened to me after the winter dance?

Ruby

Everybody read that column.

Dev

Everybody laughed at that column. 'The Goose Was My Only Dance.' People still honk at me in the corridor.

Ruby

It was a nice dance, though. You never stepped on the feet once, and the feet are enormous.

Dev

How do you know I never stepped on the feet?

Ruby

Everybody knows.

Dev

You were in the goose at the winter dance.

Ruby

The goose goes to every school event. It is in the binder.

Dev

And the slow song? Is that in the binder?

Ruby

The goose dances with whoever has been standing by the drinks table the longest. Page one.

Dev

Page one.

Ruby

I may have written page one. In January. In pen.

Dev looks at the photo for a long moment, then deletes it. He lifts the goose head onto Ruby and straightens the beak.

Dev

New front page. The Goose: Still at Large. And on the last day of school, when you hand this in, I get the exclusive interview. Only me.

Ruby

That is blackmail.

Dev

That is journalism. Go. You have two minutes.

Ruby

Honk.

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